Wait...Magpie's a boy?!?!?!

Ok, so no, last time I checked...which was like a few minutes ago, I am a girl. No boydom here. However, there are some days that I just wish I were a guy. Things look much greener on that side of the gender spectrum, like a rainbow with the fake gold at the end of the purple streak. Don't get me wrong, I love being a girl. I wouldn't have it any other way. I think I fit my girlness quite well, at times. At least in my mind. Society might have another idea but I won't get into that here.

So I am sure that there are many other girls who at some point in time wish that they were a boy. And I am sure there are plenty of men out there unwilling to admit that at least once in their life, thought about what it would be like to be a girl. Yes, if you were a girl, you could sit on the couches in the "Ladies' Lounge" in Macy's...er....Marshall Fields. *shakes fist* Macy's.......

Honestly, I think I am the only one who sits in those things. I went with a friend to the mall nearby me once. Well the big thing for me to do (besides touch everything, wreck mannequins, and so forth as you all know from my previous post on shopping) is to go to the Ladies' Lounge for the sole purpose of trying out the couches. Well, I never been to the one in Von Maur (I think that was the store). I mean I usually can't afford the hanger the clothes are hanging on let alone the clothes itself so why bother entering the store? But my friend convinced me to go in:

"Magpie, have you ever been in the Ladies' Lounge of Von Maur?"
"No! I usually pass by!"
"ARE YOU SERIOUS??? They are like the most comfortable couches to sit on!"
"REALLY???? Let's go"

She was right. The couch was so comfortable. I sank into the comfortness of the floral couch and looked around. It was just so fancy! And then they had other chairs there and desks type tables and such. So I went to explore. The other couches were definitely not as comfortable. And the desks didn't have drawers. I found that out the hard way when I tried to open it and the front came off. No one has to know it was me....no one.

I am a girl and all but I still don't understand the reasoning behind this useless luxury. It isn't like we have enough time to sit in them. Plus, if we wanted to sit, why not do it in public? Why in the bathroom...oops, Ladies' Lounge? It isn't like we are going to sit on the chairs naked or anything. And I do not sit there to have conference meetings with my friends. I never really saw anyone actually sit on them. Except me.

Ok....where was I. Yes, so I am sure that you guys want to be girls JUST so that you can try out the couches in the Ladies' Lounge. But back to being a guy. Yes, there are times when I wish I could be a guy...reasons that are more than just being able to write my name in the snow with my urine.

Reasons to be a Boy
1) Not being embarrassed to be in the wrong bathroom.
Yes, it has happened...more than once. Each time I was slightly confused as to why there were little toilets in the Women's Bathroom. I mean the second time I took a hint when I saw a guy standing in front of it. Right about face and out the door for that one. I did scare another guy who was going in though. However, it would be so much better to be a boy for those instances in my life when I do enter the wrong bathroom.

Really, I want to live in a fearless world where I can walk into a bathroom and not have to double check at the door. Or be in the stall, hear the door open and not think that it might be a guy. Yes, now every time I go into the bathroom my heart stops when the door opens. I try to get out of stall when I know no one is by the sinks so that I can scout out to make sure I am in the right bathroom. I figure that way, if I did enter the wrong bathroom despite my double check at the door, I can make a B-line for the door and wash my hands somewhere else.

I guess going in the wrong bathroom is not all that bad. I probably won't see the people I saw in the bathroom for the rest of my life. I am sure they will remember me though...oh geez that would be uncomfortable.

"Hi, my name is Magpie and I will be your nurse until 11 pm"
"Hey, aren't you the girl that was in the wrong bathroom?"

2) Hair
I love my hair. I really do. I like all the stuff I can do with it like color it all sorts of awesome colors and still look somewhat normal and cut it so that it looks awesome and what not. Like how there are about 3 different colors in it without actually doing anything to it. When I think about my hair, I always think of the movie Little Women where Jo cuts her hair and that one brat Amy said, "Oh Jo! How could you...your one true beauty!" Yep, my hair and my teeth...my one true beauties.
The problem lies in the fact that I have just recently figured out how to style it. Now normally I'd just blow dry it and ta da all done. However, when I "style" it, you know use something other than my hand and air, like a brush and hair gunk, I fail. Recently I figured it out but I've had this same style for about 2 years now. Plus, if I want to do something like play capture the flag, run, change a dressing or whatever, I have to put my hair back in bobby pins or a headband type dealie.

Being a boy would allow me to have short hair without looking like I am pitching for the Cubs and Sox. How would I have my hair cut as a boy? Probably a normal crew cut. 2-1-0 or 4-2-1-0 depending on the season.

3) Shaving
Ok, I know that guys have to shave their face and stuff. But you have the option of growing out that hair and not being considered a freak. Women on the other hand, they have to shave. I mean they have to. I am not disagreeing with this fact. However, we have more shaving then men to do. That is just so time consuming and boring. Although, I have to say, shaving cream is really fun to play with. So maybe it isn’t all that boring.

I used to love in school how we’d clean the desks with shaving cream. I really don’t know what good it did. I mean, us kids were probably sneezing, drooling, coughing, vomiting, et. al. over those desks. Shaving cream is not going to disinfect it. But it was loads of fun to spread it all over the desk and stuff. Lick it off….ok no I didn’t do that. I am sure that some kid did though.

Shaving also hurts. Especially when you have no time and you have to rush and your like oh shoot…I have to shave today. There was one time where I was running out of time. I think I ripped a layer of skin off that day.

Now there are tons of products out there to use as alternatives for shaving. Veet. Nads. Melt You Hair Today. Veet burns. Nads is torture, I don’t think I’d do that to my enemy it is just way to painful…and sticky.

You know about Nads. You can eat that stuff. It is pure sugar. It doesn’t taste good but you won’t die if you eat it. Actually it is really gross. But, I figured that if you want to save money, you buy honey and take a butter knife, spread it on your leg and then take a handkerchief and rip out your hair.

Man, if women had the option of growing out their hair…no nevermind, I don’t want that. That’d be gross.

Ok so all in all I like my girlness. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. However, some instances make the desire pop into my head. I just have to remember that the greenness at the other end of the gender spectrum is not grass but probably weeds so I am better off with my alfalfa here on my end.

Magpie