Paranoid

Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
People think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to pacify
Can you help me occupy my brain?
Oh yeah
I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find
I can't see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind
Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal
And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life I wish I could but it's too late

Ok, so I don't have a woman and I am not sad or unloved. I just like that song. It rocks my socks. But, on with the blog...

So there are many different forms of paranoia. It is a paralyzing irrational fear. Some people are claustrophobic or afraid of small closed spaces. Some people have arachnophobia or a fear of spiders. I have none of the above. I have an irrational fear of public bathrooms.

No, I am not afraid of grossness or of the strange forms of undiscovered bacteria that might loom there. I am irrationally and deathly afraid of being in the wrong one. So here goes my confession. I am crazy.

Well it all started back when I was on a date at Chili. I needed to use the bathroom so I went towards the sign that directed me to the restroom. I entered the bathroom and saw baby toilets. I pondered what this new addition to the women's bathroom might be. I began to list all the possibilities.

This is odd. Why are there little toilets in the women's bathroom? And there is no stall around it. This is just not making sense. Maybe it is for mom's when they bring their children into the bathroom. Yeah. That has got to be it.

I make my way into the stall. I was still rolling this solution in my head. The decision making committee within my brain was not in agreement with my solution. Questions and doubts were being raised by the mental decision making panel. The realistic logical brain cells protested this ridiculous though "Magpie, you gotta rethink this through." Other cells were firing rapidly, "Yeah, it makes total sense! Why even question it."

With the fight still on within my noggin', I exited the stall and went to wash my hands. Finally, the brain matter stopped mid-fight and I looked at myself in the mirror. I stared into my own eyes as the realization hit me. Those little toilets were not for kids that moms brought in. Those were URINALS IN THE MEN'S BATHROOM.

"Oh.....no..."

The bathroom door opened and I said the quickest most sincerest prayer I have ever said, "Please don't let that be a guy." I opened my eyes after my prayer and saw a guy pass behind me. Purse on my forearm, I scooted as quickly out of that bathroom as humanly possible. I don't think he saw me. I am stealth like that. Ohhhh.....Yeah.

The second incident occurred in Union Station in Chicago. I had just finished my NCLEX AKA the Nurse License exam and was heading home with a clouded mind. Medications, patient care, and thoughts of failure were all zipping through my brain. I walked absent-mindly into the bathroom because sitting for 2 hours after coffee was not exactly that appealing to my bladder. As I entered the bathroom I was faced with the back of a tall slender guy staring at the wall. I stopped as I was only 3 feet within what I realized was the men's bathroom. Remembering my stealth skills from my previous wrong bathroom experience, I spun on one heel only to face a really cute guy.

"Uhh....I'm in the wrong bathroom." I managed to get out.

"Yeah...you scared me." cute boy replied.

Yeah, the whole train ride home I had to stare at that cute guy...until I arrived home.

I began to have nightmares at this point. Nightmares that I was in the wrong bathroom and the only way I could get out was by walking past all the guys standing at the urinals. In real life, I started double checking signs before entering bathrooms. I began to stare at bathroom signs that people made in other languages or that people made all cutesy just to make sure it all translated to "Ladies" or "Women" or "Female Species". Even when entering the right bathroom, my heart would drop when I heard the door open and I would peek through the cracks of the stall to see if the girl at the sink was a girl. Or I would peek at the stall next to me to see if it was a female shoe beside me.

My most recent incident was actually in another country. I was at Powerscourt Estate in Ireland. The bathroom was covered in ivy leaves and I located the sign of a stick person in a skirt. Without looking around, I entered the stall and did what I needed to do. I heard the bathroom door open.

My heart sank.

I hope I am in the right bathroom. What do I do if I am not???? HOW EMBARRASSING!!!! I know, I will just wait until I hear them go and I will leave. I am sure I am ok.

I heard the door open again and there was silence in the bathroom. I cracked the stall door open and peeked out. Before me, staring at me, laughing at me, were a row of pristine, white, ceramic urinals. I ran for my life hoping no one was on the other side of the door. Once I was outside, I glanced around to see if anyone caught me in the wrong bathroom. A lady on a phone sitting on a bench minding her own business. Good. I am safe. I turned back to see how I could have missed the sign that I double checked. Covering the males midsection was an ivy leave. This gave the bathroom sign the illusion of being a female stick person rather than a male stick person. Not my fault. Still made me even more paranoid though.

So anyways, this week is field training at BOLC. We had a briefing about staying in your gender appropriate tents. We could get in serious trouble if we are found in the opposite gender's tent. They said it will be clearly marked. And I am sure that the tents will not have ivy growing on them. I am still nervous. Not a paralyzing nervous but I guess a good healthy look-alive nervous that I will enter the wrong tent and be kicked out of the Army.

Ok, so I know that I won't get kicked out of the Army. But I know I will be reprimanded. With my awesome winning streak of bathroom mishaps, I am bound to walk into the wrong tent. I know it. Give me any insect and I will deal with it. Well, except centipedes. I will not and could not deal with those things. And I hear that they are huge down here. I am not excited about that but that is a story for another day.

Come on in, friend!

So nothing tells the Walgreen's cashier that you are on the rag like piling on the counter a package of tampons, midol and beef jerky. We've all been there. Yeah, unless you are a guy but sometimes I still think you get visited by the period fairy just because it seems like everyone has "that time of the month."

There are a lot of misconceptions and myths that surround the mystified spirit that comes to women in the form of pain and hormonal fluctuations. The things you hear in the media and in cartoons are not blanket statments for everyone involved. Each person is different.

1) The low down on PMS

PMS gets such a bad rap. Someone is crabby and automatically they are PMSing. So not true. I am rarely crabby. I usually get crabby when people are idiots. Not because I have my Crimson Tide. I will admit, some people get INCREDIBLY irritable. It drives me nuts. Throw some ambien their way so that they sleep through it. Or just don't hang around them.

Before women get their period, hormones drop drastically. Thus the title of this section is the "low down" AH HA HA HA. Ok, I have to laugh at my own nerdy jokes, I know. Anyways, I am sure that everyone has had the drop feeling. Let me explain, has anyone ever had that dream of falling off a cliff and you jump in your sleep? How about being on a rollercoaster or other ride with a sudden drop? You know that feeling you get inside? Try imagining that with hormones. That is sorta what occurs. Everything is pretty much level and then it drops like a sack of heavy potatoes. This occurs usually before Aunt Flo visits. The drop in hormones is what tells the blood to start flowing basically. This sudden drop in hormones also causes a wide array of symptoms classified under the dreaded and feared phrase Pre-Menstrual Syndrome or PMS.

For some women, they become irritable. This is what the world around us protrays as the "classic" symptom. They show women, ranting about like they are going to chop someone's head off. Although some women are like this (I've seen it) this is not the typical scenario. Women will become more weepy, a little more on edge, and just have a shorter fuse in the inside. The woman you pass in the store today or the co-worker you sit next to every work day just might be PMSing and you don't even know it. Now you will look at her in a different way. Just watch. You are going to go to work and look at her and think, "I wonder if her hormones dropped today." Do us all a favor and don't ask her. That will be unwarranted and unwanted.

For me, I tend to just get more teary eyed. Thoughts of Dumbo's mom being incarcerated and Bambi yelling for his shot up mother in the fog seem to follow me everywhere. I might just start crying out of no where. If this occurs and you are around me, a hug would be nice. Hugs are always a good cure for the PMS blues.

Don't hug a psycho woman. You will not be well off after that. Let me repeat. Hugs do not cure psycho behavior. Only time does.

Some women also get physical complaints. They will state that they have bad cramps or a bad headache. I find that if you over hydrate before your period, your cramps are significantly better. My main issue is for a day, my back will be very tense and it will hurt. So will all my joints. I will also be super sleepy for a day. Midol is the miracle drug. I should make a song for Midol. Midol should pay me for putting a plug in my oh so famous blog.

Chart to help those understand.

I like charts. They help me.

I love this chart.

Heck, I love studying the whole menstrual cycle.

Yes, I am a freak.

And a nerd.

2) Cravings

Another misconception is that all women who have received the Monthly crave chocolate. Women crave a lot of weird stuff when their friend comes a callin'. Many women eat chocolate. Chocolate has natural happy stuff in it. Of course, and maybe I shouldn't be admitting this, but I will definitely use period sometimes as a way to eat chocolate guilt free.

I mostly though crave salt and protein. Like, I just want to take a hunk of beef and chow down. Just the other day I had like two tablespoons of peanut butter. It was so good. I wanted to eat the whole jar. My hips disagreed. I had to settle for the two tablespoons. I also love beef jerky. It is so good. I love the salt and the beef. Oh my gosh. I want some right now. Man, it is so good. So so good.

Some women will eat ice cream. Ice cream is good comfort food. My favorite ice cream will contain chocolate and peanut butter in some form. Moosetracks is a personal favorite. But when I'm on the rag, I go more for salty than I do for sweet.

3) What to do when a loved one has entered her monthly time.

Just love her or show you care really. That is all she needs. If she is crabby or irritable then just kinda let her be. Don't antagonize or try to pick fights. If a fight starts just know that she will be a little unreasonable. Let it go. You are not going to win and if you try to win you will ultimately lose in the end. Believe me, you will want to slap her, shake her, whatever to get sense into her mind. That will put you in jail. Just leave the room and let her rant it out. Its painful.

If you have someone like me who doesn't really get crabby but gets teary eyed, then again, just love them or care for them. Hug them and hold them. They might cry and cry. There might not be a rhyme or reason to them crying. It might be really "Nothing" behind those tears. Just random emotions that cannot be pin pointed. Hugs are good cures. Holding them is a good cure too. Soon they will be bouncing back to their random selves again in no time.

How long will this hell last? Again, it totally depends on the woman. If the girl is always PMSing chances are, she is just a jerk. You decide what you want to do with that. There is no way that a girl can crabby all the time and blame it on that. There is a personality thing that is happening. If she were a guy she couldn't blame it on hormones. She'd just be a prick. However, for girls like me, it is just a day of misery and then we're back to normal. Others have it more, lasting the whole time.

4) Facing the fact.

I was once embarrassed to buy my necessary items from the store. In fact, in the beginning, I would look around and wonder if anyone knew that Aunt Flo was staying with me. I felt like I had PERIOD written across my forehead in a purple permanent marker.

Then one day (not long after all this started) I realized that I am not the only girl who has period and that all girls get them. But I had to yet face my biggest fear...buying tampons, pads or anything to that nature...BY MYSELF! Mom would do it. I admit it. Mom did it for me. Dad on some occasions if he were going to the store at that time. Thank you Dad.

Well there came a time where I had to actually buy feminine products because no one could do it for me. I gathered my courage before I gathered my tampons. My heart was pounding so loud I thought everyone around me could hear it. Then tried to camouflage it with other useless items that I really didn't need at the time. A soda. Ketchup. Coffee. Pickles. Magazine. Socks. Mind you, this was the time before self check outs. All the cashiers (which was one or two) just HAD to be men right? Yep. So onward, soldier onward. I drew in a deep breath and piled the stuff on the conveyor belt all the while keeping my eyes down.

*beep*

Ketchup

*beep*

Coffee

*beep*

tampons

*Magpie breaths a sigh of relief while still maintaining non-eye contact with young male cashier*

*beep*

rest of items

Ok...mission almost accomplished. All I have to do is pay and then run. Pay and run. Pay and ru...

"Do you want any garbage stickers, stamps or our value item of the day?"

"WHAT??!?!?! NO!!!! I AM NOT ON MY PERIOd!!!!!"

Ok, that is what went through my mind. Not in actual life. Luckily my filter was turned to the on position and I did not yell that to the good cashier only trying to do his job.

"Um, uh, no that's ok. I'm good."

"Ok, your total is $whatever.00"

Pay.

Run.

Now, I don't care. I am all out there with my tampons. Yes, Young Male Cashier, I am a woman. I have my period. Hear me roar...rawr...

So here's to the a long life of monthly visitors. One of the many signs of my womanhood. Even if I could go for it being like two days instead of 4 or 5. And I could go without the aches.

Magpie.

Kick your heels together three times...

...and pray you don't fall.

There is nothing like growing 4 inches magically with the help of your best pair of heels. Considering that today was "Wear Heel Day" in Magpie's world, I decided that today's blog post will be dedicated to them.

My first pair of heels actually came from asking my dad. I was nervous. I don't know why I was nervous. I guess it was one rite of passage that I was afraid of asking my parents for the key. So I turned to dad for help.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Could I have a pair of high heels?"

So off shopping we went. Mom, Dad and I went to a bunch of different stores. I guess you could call me picky but I had a particular look in my head. I knew that pointed toes would not work for me. I would look ridiculous. It had to be square toed or rounded. Also, the heel had to be chunky. I knew there would be no way I could balance myself on a tiny little heel. Finally I could not see spending triple digits for a pair of shoes. So finding my style in my price was a tad bit hairy. But finally I found them. There they stood on the clearance rack. Plain. Black. Shiny. Square. Awesome. My first pair of black pumps.

Years later, after I learned to walk somewhat normal, I found that heels could be pretty and actually fun. So I began finding other pretty heels to wear. I fell in love with Willy Wonka's shoes from Charlie and the Chocolate factory. I liked the way they looked: the chunky heel, the toe, the style was just funky enough for me. After a long search, I found them. They were on sale at Carson Pierre Scott. I bought them and they are still considered my Willy Wonkas.

It recently became more and more difficult to find shoes that fit my funky style. I would go to DSW just to browse. I then came across a brand that fits me to a T. Mudd shoes really does fit my funky attitude with its modern take on classic looks. Wing tip Mary Janes with a chunky heel? Yes! I love it.

For graduation, I for some reason had to get shoes to match the dresses I was wearing. I don't really understand that except for the fact that when I am wearing a spring time bright colored dress, my regular black heels won't do. Off to DSW with mom. Found shoes to match the dress (again, Mudd brand) and tada...my collection is complete.

Then my old black heels started to show years of wear and tear :( I still have them hoping to salvage what I can of them. But I did manage to somewhat replace them with another Mudd shoe that is just as professional. So. There we have it. No more shoes for me :)

Now, you'd think that after 11 years of heels, I'd be a professional at walking in them. Or at least somewhat decent. Nope. Although I haven't fallen, I have tripped, slipped, and twisted over a dozen times. Hilarious for some, embarrassing for me. It is sad when you have to give yourself a pep talk as you walk across a stage.

"Ok, Magpie, don't screw this one up. Walk tall, straight, and pretend like you don't have heels."

*first step is taken*

"Ok, new game plan. Realize that there are an extra 2 inches on your heel."

*second step*

"Good....good...now, try to not clack so much."

*third step*

"Um, don't look so goofy"

Lets just thank God that I get to wear gym shoes to work everyday :)

Magpie.

Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink.

So today I went swimming. Unlike most of my swim times, I decided to ponder on the water I was swimming in. I came to realize again that my favorite property is the property of water. Yep, good ole' H2O. Why other property of the world is as diverse and awesome?



Without water, you could die. It is essential to keeping the body functioning. Dehydration could send you to the hospital. Which, if unless it is a way to see me, I would rather you not go to the hospital. Being dehydrated is not fun. You feel all gross on the inside. Whenever I haven't gotten my daily dose of H2O orally, I can imagine my poor tiny cells all shirveled up and screaming for relief. Then I can imagine them sighing with joy as I splash some water down my throat.

My favorite part of water is the playfullness of it. I think this is why I like swimming so much. I am weightless in water. I love being able to split it with my hand just to see it join back together. It is so easy for me to imagine all the little water molecules laughing as my hand push them foward in a gentle curling wave.

Water is so graceful. It ripples and it drops in with such beauty. I think this is why I like to be outside in the rain. I love the feeling of the drops on my face as I look up at the grey sky. It is like a shower that washes both my skin and my soul. I love watching the rain fall onto the ground and puddle into nature mirrors that reflect the world around me.

It is so diverse. On hot days, there is nothing like sucking on an ice cube or putting said ice cubes in a tall glass of water. When I have a cold and my nose hurts like no other, warm steam from water soothes it. There is nothing like walking outside in the foggy mist. The clouds that descend from the sky are refreshing and add mystery to my day.

So water, here's to you. You are just awesome. I really do believe that you are my favorite element here on earth. I know that without you I would totally not survive. Thank you.

Magpie.

Don't Be Mad...Get Glad

Are there just times that you want to punch a wall? How about poke someone in the eye?



Yeah, we all have our days. Even me. Don't worry. It means that you are human and that you are alive. However, it is important to channel all this negative energy so that it does not hurt you or someone else. Sure, you can do the normal, everyday diffusion like, journaling or shooting stuff off. But, you can also take a creative (and safer) approach to your daily debriefing.



Here are some examples from Magpie:



1) Boogey on down now:

Dance in your room when no one is watching. Sometimes this is enough to brighten a sour mood or just to take your mind off of whatever is causing you so much grief. Any music can do, pick your favorite dance tune and get jiggy wit it. I personally enjoy some dance/techno/house to dance to. Just whatever will take your mind off of things.



2) Listen to music in your car....loud.

It is preferable to go somewhere without a noise restriction. Recieving a ticket will not help your day. And you will have to debrief from your ticket reception. And you might want to shoot the cop. Both are destructive to the cause. If you turn up the bass and sit back the whole car vibrates and thus will vibrate your very soul. Then the vibrations take all that negative feelings of hate, depression, anger, frustration and shake them out into the atmosphere.



3) I scream. You scream. We all scream for Ice Cream.

Ok, don't eat out of frustration. Gaining 15 lbs of frozen dairy goodness is just going to add more weight to the problem (no pun intended if one can be taken). Instead, in that same location of the blessed car, go to a secluded location. Shut all your windows and doors. Then let a scream out. Swear if you want. Tell that person off in your car. Pretend they are in front of you. Now don't you feel better? Yep, I do.



4) Rippin' Rags

We all could use a little extra rags around the house. You know, to clean, and dust, and wipe things with. Take those old clothing that charity won't even take and rip them apart with your bare hands. No sissors allowed. Just rip.



5) Exercise

Nothing makes you hate life more than a good hard run. And at least you will hate life because you are running rather than because Joise two cubicles over read your personal emails and printed them for the office to see.



So I am sure that everyone will have their own personal ways to diffuse their inside soul. Mine might not work for everyone, but it sure works for me.



Magpie

Lessons and Carols

So this past weekend was Lessons and Carols at my old university. Lessons and Carols consists of nine readings from Scripture about Christ's birth. They are readings from Old Testament and New Testament. After the reading, an appropriate carol is either sung by the choir or played by the band (me) or both. There ya have it, Lessons and Carols.

This got me to thinking, what are my nine personal Lessons and Carols?

Lesson One: Check bathroom signs before entering bathroom.

I don't know what my problem is. Maybe somewhere tucked away in my Id (HI SIGMUND!) I desire male hood. Maybe I just want to see the inside of the boys bathroom...multiple times. Hopefully (and I am betting on this one) I am just too preoccupied with what is going on around me that I just don't look at the signs.

The first time this occurred, I was on a date. I needed to use the restroom and didn't check the sign. Well of course, I come up to the urinals with puzzled bewilderment. Why are these tiny toilets doing in the women's bathroom? I tried to work through this issue, coming up with all sorts of reasons. Finally, I found one. OH! It is for the children when the mom brings them to use the bathroom. Half satisfied with this solution, I head for a stall. I didn't understand it but whatever. It wasn't until I was washing my hands that I realized where I was. The water still running, I look at myself in the mirror with horror in my eyes. It hits me, I am in the wrong bathroom. The door opens and I say the most sincere prayer, "PLEASE don't let this be a man." Sure enough it was and sure enough I was out of that restaurant before anyone knew what had happened.

It happened again after my NCLEX. I think I was just brainwashed at that point. And I didn't enter the full bathroom. Just the threshold. Then I turned around and scared the guy coming in. I had to ride the train home with this complete stranger who now knew me as, Wrong Bathroom Girl. He was cute too. Ultimate loss.

The last time it happened before I learned my lesson, I was in Ireland. The little stick figure had an ivy leave over the person so I thought it was a dress and I thought it was a girl. I did the same time, used the bathroom. It wasn't until I stepped out and faced a row of urinals that I realized what had happened. I shot out of there quicker than a jackrabbit out of a bush of cougars. There's a picture for ya.

Now let everyone stand and sing, "Man! I feel like a woman!"

Lesson Two: Fake Numbers are the way to go.

There was one time that I was out with some friends bar hopping. I was DD because I didn't want to drink. Surprising I know. I had drank way too much the previous night and really didn't want to do a repeat night. So there I would be, taking pints of H2O while my friends drank shots and pints of EtOH. I was approached by multiple people. The first one was someone straight out of Laverne and Shirley.

This is what he looked like:

He gave me some fake line about being a friend to the owner or how the owner owed his buddy money so he was here to help collect it. So how does this coincide with you trying to get my number? Fake line calls for fake number: My number is 630-678-9654.

Next bar some drunk dude starts talking to me.

"Oh hi, what's your name?"

"Magpie"

"Oh, what do you do?"

"I am a nurse."

"Oh, where do you work?"

"Edward"

"OH ME TOO!"

mmmmhhhhmmm, yep you do.

"You do?"

"Yeah, I sell the monitors that you guys use."

"Oh. Ok."

"Yeah, so I just broke up with my fiancee and moved here from New York..."

Oh man, here goes...

"...and I don't know too many people. I am looking for a wholesome girl and you look like a wholesome girl. I can see it in your eyes. Can I have your number?"

Cheesy lines deserve fake numbers: My number is 708-965-6598

Few bars later, my friends and I end up at our last bar.

"You should smile more often. You light up every time you smile. I like it when you smile."

Aw, that is sweet...you are way too old, like 50 year old too old. My number is 633-695-9875

Now let us all stand and sing: "The Call"

Lesson Three: Live in the moment and don't think too much.
Oh man, this is the hardest lesson for me to learn and it is on going. I totally over think EVERYTHING. Like, if I did something that offended someone. Or if I completed everything I was suppose to at work. Or if I really do this or that, I am going to repel people with the weirdness I exude.

STOP!

Stop thinking. If things are meant to go a certain way they are. Otherwise, it is out of your control. Why worry over something you cannot control? You'll kill yourself.

Live for the moment. Do those somersaults. Catch those snow flakes on your tongue. Dance when there is no music. Sing as loud as you can even if you are off key. Smile to those you don't even know. Laugh when there is nothing to laugh at. Go star tipping. If you don't know what that is then look it up. It is these little moments that we will treasure forever. It is these moments we will never forget. They are by far, my favorite moments. I replay them in my head almost constantly.

Now let us sing...er...rap Eminem's Live for the Moment.

Amen. Amen.

Magpie

Superpowers

So I was thinking the other day, if I had a superpower, what would it be? Would I fly? Would I lift things with superhuman strength? Would I read minds? What superpower would truly be useful for me?

I came up with turning invisible. This would be the most useful thing for me because there are so many times where I wish I were invisible. Plus how cool would it be to be the "fly on the wall" for some moments?

One place that becoming invisible would be especially useful is at the mall. When I am shopping at the mall I really don't want people to talk to me. I mean I am all ok with people asking me if I am doing ok and if I need any help. That is just doing your job. What I don't like is badgering. My mall has these booths in the middle of place. People call out to you like men looking for women. Except instead of whistles and "Hey nice butt!" (Which by the way, readers, I do not get. I think the look I shoot discourages this.), they say, "Good _____ (whatever time of day it is), can I see your nails?"

Now, if any of you know me, you will know this: I HATE nails. There are few things in this world that make me gag. One of them is nail maintenance. Pedicures are murder for me. Manicures make me want to throw up. I do them anyway once in a while for special occasions or because my nail jobs look gross. Otherwise I cut them myself. I will paint them myself (even if it looks like a three year old did it.) I never was able to cut anyone's nails. It makes me gag. I can cut my own though so everyone breathe a sigh of relief.

Now, here is this guy straight out of France. His hair pulled back into a low ponytail. He was skinnier than me and about my height and just reeked of insincere kindness. Sometimes I want to tell these people to just treat me like a human, not the princess I am. He stands there feet together with this silver platter of a nail polishing buffer thing (I do have this at home. I like it) and lotion like he is going to serve me my next course in a fancy dinner.
"Ma'm do you have natural nails?"
"Uh, yes, I think so."
"Oh may I see them?"
"No"
"Please"
"No, you don't understand, you cannot see my nails."
"What is your name?" He asked as he girlishly extended his hand to shake mine.
"Magpie" I said standing five feet away slowly making my getaway.
"Come on shake my hand."
I reluctantly shook his hand. All the while I was planning to make a bolt for it if he thought it would be clever enough to pin my hand down, flip it over and look and touch my nails. Luckily, he didn't. He released my hand and I went back to my five foot away place and turned.

THAT is when I need to be invisible. When these pseudo street merchants badger my walking around the mall. How totally awesome would it be to become invisible as I walk by them and then become visible after them? Or what about when Phillipe over there wanted to shake my hand and I go to do it and just as I reach out to touch his hand I disappear. He'd totally flip. He'd second guess talking to anyone from that point on. Yes. Yes he would.

Another good place to be invisible is at conversations where you know you will be mentioned. Or any conversation where you just want to be a fly on the wall. You know the common stuff. This would be more useful if you were a kid and you wanted to know your birthday gift. Now I would just want to know what the nurses in the ER are saying about us or what the nurses at the nurse's station are talking about when I am not there. It would kinda be like having eyes in the back of your head in a way.

I would also try to sneak into conversations where my crush was at to see if he says anything about me. OR better yet, I could have my friend talking to my crush and I am invisible sitting there (or standing that way I can scare the man if he starts talking bad about me). That would make life so easy wouldn't it? Oh yeah it would. I wouldn't be so nervous then. I'd be either more confident or just bummed. Either way, it wouldn't be as awkward as me going up to the guy and telling him that I like him or think he is cute or think he is whatever I think he is. I'd just know.

Being invisible would help in sticky situations too. For example, I am getting chewed out by one of the nurses for some hypocritical reason or by a doctor for not being a good nurse. Usually, at these points in my job I just want to find a nice quiet secluded corner to curl up into a ball and cry just from being way too overwhelmed. However, if I disappeared, the person yelling at me would totally not know what to do in a situation where their scratching post disappears. I can see it now:

"You called me three times during the night about this woman's blood pressure but you haven't taken it for three hours?"
"Doctor, I've been taking it every two hours, I just..."
"That is bad nursing. I mean, you haven't checked it in three hours."
*CUE TO DISAPPEAR*
"I mean, that is just bad.....Hello? Hello?"

Or how about in front of my charge nurse when she finds that she can't reach me on my SpectraLink:
"You never have your phone on. You answer your phone. Change you battery."
"I don't like answering it when I am talking to my patient."
"You tell them 'Wait one moment please.' Then you pick up your phone and say, 'Hello, can I help you?' And then it will not go to my phone and my phone doesn't bother my @$$."
"I will not answer my phone when I am talking to a patient. That is rude."
"You will answer....WHERE DID THAT CHILE GO????"

Sweetness. Sweetness greater than that you, dear readers, have ever tasted.

How about embarrassing situations? Like the mulitple times I walked into wrong bathrooms. Or the times I bring a guy home and my brothers swarm him like a bees swarming a half eaten discarded piece of fruit? Or when I say something stupid, or incoherent at work?
"I would have flown across this desk and slapped you." Me to some phelb.
"You are too sweet to do that. You are a nurse."
"Just wait until I get you in one of those beds." <----stupid comment on my part meant to inflict fear of pain.
"Magpie, stop talking." <-----my friend and coworker.
*CUE TO DISAPPEAR AND CONTINUE TO DISAPPEAR EVERYTIME I SEE THAT PERSON*

Anyway, I think it would be pretty sweet to disappear. Lots of useful situations and moments to utilize this superhero power. Even if I do use it selfishly. However, I do not posses this power. For now, I will have to deal with my embarrassing comments, scoldings and learn my lesson to look at the floor and not make eye contact with market barkers. Either that or close my eyes. That seems to work just as well.
TTFN,
Magpe.