You know some people are too preoccupied with a zombie attack. There are books, videos, forum threads, great discussions on what to do during a zombie attack. There are even several movies out feeding into this perhaps irrational fear.
I remember watching "Dawn of the Dead" with my ex boyfriend (EBF). Afterwards we had an intelligent conversations.
"If we have a zombie attack, I decided that I'll go over to Gander Mountain."-EBF
"Oh?"-Me
"That way we will have enough ammo and guns to survive the attack. We'll go on the roof and bar the doors."-EBF
"Ok"-Me
"Yeah. I'll pick you up and me and J. (his friend) will protect you."-EBF
"Yeah, ok. I am going to sleep."-Me
"WHAT? Sleep?"-EBF
"Yes. Sleep."-Me
"Why? You'll get attacked!"-EBF
"Why run? Just get eaten, die and then you don't have to deal with it."-Me
Sounded fine to me.
Needless to say, he wasn't too excited with my plan. Neither was is friend whose plan was to head up into the far North of Canada or Alaska where zombies cannot survive. I don't mind cold and snow but there is no way I am going to voluntarily head North for a huge portion of my life. In snow. Sorry. I'll risk the viral laden bite.
My ultimate zombie plan? Stock up on bottles of wine and drink myself into total utter unconsciousness. Then every time I wake up I drink another bottle. Sounds like an excellent plan to me.
Honestly, people, what is the likelihood hat we will be attacked by zombies? There are so many other things that can attack s before zombies.
Black Friday Shoppers: These are not the normal shoppers They are professionals. They are the ones going into every store with 5 shopping bags slung over each shoulder. Not the small normal petite bags but the big 3x1x1 bags that they put maybe MAYBE a pair of jeans or a shirt in each huge bag. On their way in they hit everything and everyone in their mad dash for the clearance racks. EXTRA 75% off, baby!! They are the ones who will fight you to the death over that faux pair of alligator skin mid calf hell boots IN BLACK just because the store only has one size 6.5. I advise you to better protect yourself from these shoppers than zombies. My ultimate Black Friday Shoppers' plan? Sleep. There will be other sales another day.
Politicians: Fear them. They chase after you with a can that has a recycling symbol painted on it screaming "GLOBAL WARMING!" and "OVERPOPULATION!" They will suck your brains out with lies and empty promises. Liberal and Conservative alike, the minute they attack, they all look the same. They will have the same words spill forth from their lips and they will have the same thought on their mind: power. My ultimate Politician attack plan? Riot. Oh yeah...tear gas me baby! I'll be out there on the pickets and the sidelines protesting them. Woot.
Idiots: They are quite annoying. However, you mus be careful when judging idiocy. You do not want to write off the annoying intelligent people because you are being subjective When judging idiocy in the middle of an idiot attack, it is important to remain objective. Idiots are often distinguished from others as having an opinion concerning a topic that they really have no intellectual knowledge about. It is useless really to argue with them. Very rarely will they change their opinion. Instead you will become frustrated and in the end, become an idiot yourself. Aside from being obnoxiously annoying, an idiot attack is not harmful. I would not stand too close though. You might catch their stupid. My ultimate idiot attack plan? Remain above the masses with my beautiful intelligence well intact.
Men: You are especially susceptible if you look like the following: Beyonce, Shakira, Jenifer Love Hewitt, Angelina Jolie or if you are just pretty in general. They will swarm around and attack with lame pick up lines such as: "hi my name is Rick and on the Rick-ter scale you're a 10." or "Are you tired? Because you have been running through my head all day." or...and this tops all: "I am looking for a nice wholesome girl. You like you are wholesome. I can see it in your eyes." Uhhhhhh.....yeah. Some ways to avoid such attacks are: do not shower; look down at the ground at all times (oh hey! a quarter!); do not acknowledge; bite; punch; dress like a nun; and wear a ring on the fourth finger of your left hand. My ultimate Man attack plan?
Ok I actually do not have one. Man attacks actually aides me by providing an array of men to choose from. Like shopping. Black Friday shopping.
So there are certainly more attacks to plan for before you put together our ultimate zombie plan. These attacks are more likely to be realistic than zombies running rampant eating fresh human flesh. Yum. And, if zombies do attack, know that you can always join me in my alcohol induced sleeping. Just bring your own wine.
Over and out,
Meg
In 2009...
I resolve to:
1) Fold my clothes:
Yes, I am just that lazy...er...patient. I wash my clothes. I dry my clothes. But the folding part...well that can wait. I lay my clothes over the rocking chair in my room and walla...perfect until I have to wear them. Then out with the iron to get rid of wrinkles. I hate wrinkles. HATE.
It isn't that I don't like folding. The whole process just takes time. I do not like to take that time to do it. I would rather move onto the more important thing of life like working, taking photos...or blogging.
Ironing, however, is a dangerous task for the Magpie. Yes, if I must Iron I do so. However, I have a problem with Irons and clothing. I tend to burn my clothes. :( It is really not my fault. I start at a low setting. However, someone before me manages to screw up the iron by making it dirty with whatever it is dirty with. So my clothes get this nice brown stain on them. I also have a tendency to use too high a setting for my clothes. There was one time that I was getting ready for a band concert. It was really a special concert considering we were going to a university to play before judges and then have a clinic with the university director. Me being me, I wanted to look my best. So I pulled out my skirt which really didn't need ironing and thought it would be best to iron it. Well, it was a cheaply made skirt that needed a low temperature setting. About an hour before I had to be at the high school with my brother to catch the bus, I put the iron to the black skirt.
SKIIIISSSSSSSS....
Shoot.
Shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot.
I tentatively lifted the iron off my only band skirt. Against the stark black was a nice white hole where the ironing board cover peeked through. I stared at it in ghastly wonder. What. The. Heck. Was. I. Going. To. Do. Maybe..just maybe that 3 inch in diameter circle would hide when I put it on. Unfortunately, it did not. In a panic I flew down the stairs. I met my brother at the bottom and he looked at my face a knew something was wrong.
"What happened?"
"Um....I just burned a hole in my skirt."
"WHAT??? How bad is it? Can you hide it?"
I showed him.
"Oh my gosh...what are you going to do?"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
"You gotta go tell mom."
"Oh man."
Mom sent me right away with dad to get a skirt which we were able to find and still make the bus. Thank goodness.
To avoid any further burning problems, I think it will be wise to fold my clothes. Oh and hang them up. I will probably end up having to iron anyway but hopefully not as much.
Chances that I follow this resolution?
4 in 10 chance.
2) A picture a day
Keeps critics at bay. I guess. Not that I have any critics. Only me. I am my biggest critic. My goal is to become better at my favorite hobby: photography. So I decided to do Mission: 365. It will be a photography project. I need to take one creative picture a day and post it on my flickr account. By the end of the year I will have 365.
Chances that I follow this resolution?
9/10
3) Keep the weight that I lost off
So as I chow down on chips and creamy dip, I write this resolution. At least the chips are mulitgrained. Multigrained? Multigrain? Grain of mulitple proportions? I can no longer make a resolution to lose weight. I have very little weight left to lose. So here I am. I need to KEEP it OFF. Exercise. Eat right. Woot!
Chances that I follow this resolution?
10/10
I never NEVER ever want to be as big as I was. That is for sure.
So in this New Year what do you resolve to do?
Happy New year to all my readers. Hope that you and your family have the best of luck and all that jazz.
Magpie.
1) Fold my clothes:
Yes, I am just that lazy...er...patient. I wash my clothes. I dry my clothes. But the folding part...well that can wait. I lay my clothes over the rocking chair in my room and walla...perfect until I have to wear them. Then out with the iron to get rid of wrinkles. I hate wrinkles. HATE.
It isn't that I don't like folding. The whole process just takes time. I do not like to take that time to do it. I would rather move onto the more important thing of life like working, taking photos...or blogging.
Ironing, however, is a dangerous task for the Magpie. Yes, if I must Iron I do so. However, I have a problem with Irons and clothing. I tend to burn my clothes. :( It is really not my fault. I start at a low setting. However, someone before me manages to screw up the iron by making it dirty with whatever it is dirty with. So my clothes get this nice brown stain on them. I also have a tendency to use too high a setting for my clothes. There was one time that I was getting ready for a band concert. It was really a special concert considering we were going to a university to play before judges and then have a clinic with the university director. Me being me, I wanted to look my best. So I pulled out my skirt which really didn't need ironing and thought it would be best to iron it. Well, it was a cheaply made skirt that needed a low temperature setting. About an hour before I had to be at the high school with my brother to catch the bus, I put the iron to the black skirt.
SKIIIISSSSSSSS....
Shoot.
Shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot.
I tentatively lifted the iron off my only band skirt. Against the stark black was a nice white hole where the ironing board cover peeked through. I stared at it in ghastly wonder. What. The. Heck. Was. I. Going. To. Do. Maybe..just maybe that 3 inch in diameter circle would hide when I put it on. Unfortunately, it did not. In a panic I flew down the stairs. I met my brother at the bottom and he looked at my face a knew something was wrong.
"What happened?"
"Um....I just burned a hole in my skirt."
"WHAT??? How bad is it? Can you hide it?"
I showed him.
"Oh my gosh...what are you going to do?"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
"You gotta go tell mom."
"Oh man."
Mom sent me right away with dad to get a skirt which we were able to find and still make the bus. Thank goodness.
To avoid any further burning problems, I think it will be wise to fold my clothes. Oh and hang them up. I will probably end up having to iron anyway but hopefully not as much.
Chances that I follow this resolution?
4 in 10 chance.
2) A picture a day
Keeps critics at bay. I guess. Not that I have any critics. Only me. I am my biggest critic. My goal is to become better at my favorite hobby: photography. So I decided to do Mission: 365. It will be a photography project. I need to take one creative picture a day and post it on my flickr account. By the end of the year I will have 365.
Chances that I follow this resolution?
9/10
3) Keep the weight that I lost off
So as I chow down on chips and creamy dip, I write this resolution. At least the chips are mulitgrained. Multigrained? Multigrain? Grain of mulitple proportions? I can no longer make a resolution to lose weight. I have very little weight left to lose. So here I am. I need to KEEP it OFF. Exercise. Eat right. Woot!
Chances that I follow this resolution?
10/10
I never NEVER ever want to be as big as I was. That is for sure.
So in this New Year what do you resolve to do?
Happy New year to all my readers. Hope that you and your family have the best of luck and all that jazz.
Magpie.
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