Paranoid

Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
People think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to pacify
Can you help me occupy my brain?
Oh yeah
I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find
I can't see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind
Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal
And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life I wish I could but it's too late

Ok, so I don't have a woman and I am not sad or unloved. I just like that song. It rocks my socks. But, on with the blog...

So there are many different forms of paranoia. It is a paralyzing irrational fear. Some people are claustrophobic or afraid of small closed spaces. Some people have arachnophobia or a fear of spiders. I have none of the above. I have an irrational fear of public bathrooms.

No, I am not afraid of grossness or of the strange forms of undiscovered bacteria that might loom there. I am irrationally and deathly afraid of being in the wrong one. So here goes my confession. I am crazy.

Well it all started back when I was on a date at Chili. I needed to use the bathroom so I went towards the sign that directed me to the restroom. I entered the bathroom and saw baby toilets. I pondered what this new addition to the women's bathroom might be. I began to list all the possibilities.

This is odd. Why are there little toilets in the women's bathroom? And there is no stall around it. This is just not making sense. Maybe it is for mom's when they bring their children into the bathroom. Yeah. That has got to be it.

I make my way into the stall. I was still rolling this solution in my head. The decision making committee within my brain was not in agreement with my solution. Questions and doubts were being raised by the mental decision making panel. The realistic logical brain cells protested this ridiculous though "Magpie, you gotta rethink this through." Other cells were firing rapidly, "Yeah, it makes total sense! Why even question it."

With the fight still on within my noggin', I exited the stall and went to wash my hands. Finally, the brain matter stopped mid-fight and I looked at myself in the mirror. I stared into my own eyes as the realization hit me. Those little toilets were not for kids that moms brought in. Those were URINALS IN THE MEN'S BATHROOM.

"Oh.....no..."

The bathroom door opened and I said the quickest most sincerest prayer I have ever said, "Please don't let that be a guy." I opened my eyes after my prayer and saw a guy pass behind me. Purse on my forearm, I scooted as quickly out of that bathroom as humanly possible. I don't think he saw me. I am stealth like that. Ohhhh.....Yeah.

The second incident occurred in Union Station in Chicago. I had just finished my NCLEX AKA the Nurse License exam and was heading home with a clouded mind. Medications, patient care, and thoughts of failure were all zipping through my brain. I walked absent-mindly into the bathroom because sitting for 2 hours after coffee was not exactly that appealing to my bladder. As I entered the bathroom I was faced with the back of a tall slender guy staring at the wall. I stopped as I was only 3 feet within what I realized was the men's bathroom. Remembering my stealth skills from my previous wrong bathroom experience, I spun on one heel only to face a really cute guy.

"Uhh....I'm in the wrong bathroom." I managed to get out.

"Yeah...you scared me." cute boy replied.

Yeah, the whole train ride home I had to stare at that cute guy...until I arrived home.

I began to have nightmares at this point. Nightmares that I was in the wrong bathroom and the only way I could get out was by walking past all the guys standing at the urinals. In real life, I started double checking signs before entering bathrooms. I began to stare at bathroom signs that people made in other languages or that people made all cutesy just to make sure it all translated to "Ladies" or "Women" or "Female Species". Even when entering the right bathroom, my heart would drop when I heard the door open and I would peek through the cracks of the stall to see if the girl at the sink was a girl. Or I would peek at the stall next to me to see if it was a female shoe beside me.

My most recent incident was actually in another country. I was at Powerscourt Estate in Ireland. The bathroom was covered in ivy leaves and I located the sign of a stick person in a skirt. Without looking around, I entered the stall and did what I needed to do. I heard the bathroom door open.

My heart sank.

I hope I am in the right bathroom. What do I do if I am not???? HOW EMBARRASSING!!!! I know, I will just wait until I hear them go and I will leave. I am sure I am ok.

I heard the door open again and there was silence in the bathroom. I cracked the stall door open and peeked out. Before me, staring at me, laughing at me, were a row of pristine, white, ceramic urinals. I ran for my life hoping no one was on the other side of the door. Once I was outside, I glanced around to see if anyone caught me in the wrong bathroom. A lady on a phone sitting on a bench minding her own business. Good. I am safe. I turned back to see how I could have missed the sign that I double checked. Covering the males midsection was an ivy leave. This gave the bathroom sign the illusion of being a female stick person rather than a male stick person. Not my fault. Still made me even more paranoid though.

So anyways, this week is field training at BOLC. We had a briefing about staying in your gender appropriate tents. We could get in serious trouble if we are found in the opposite gender's tent. They said it will be clearly marked. And I am sure that the tents will not have ivy growing on them. I am still nervous. Not a paralyzing nervous but I guess a good healthy look-alive nervous that I will enter the wrong tent and be kicked out of the Army.

Ok, so I know that I won't get kicked out of the Army. But I know I will be reprimanded. With my awesome winning streak of bathroom mishaps, I am bound to walk into the wrong tent. I know it. Give me any insect and I will deal with it. Well, except centipedes. I will not and could not deal with those things. And I hear that they are huge down here. I am not excited about that but that is a story for another day.