Just as a background to all readers, new and old alike, I love trauma. I know that it is sick in a twisted way. Yet, if I did not love trauma, then who would take care of your family members who God-forbid, might end up in a trauma-like situation? Just like there are nurses who love doing Cancer and nurses who love catching slippery cheesy babies, I like trauma. Before you think that I am sadistic or evil or cold hearted, stop. Like I said, everyone has a passion in life. If your passion is sitting in front of a computer and invoicing the heck out of your company so be it. Leave me to my ER. I don't want to see anyone get hurt. Trauma, as much as I love it, is horrible and devastating. However, if it happens, I want to be there to fix things.
Recently, I have been getting frustrated. I can't use the word discouraged because that would mean that I am giving up. I am not discouraged, just frustrated.
I cannot begin to explain the feelings I get when I see firetrucks, fire engines, ambulances and, my favorite, helicopters (particularly Blackhawks). They all signal trauma. During one of my field training exercise, a Blackhawk came to pick up "casualties". I turn to the Captain next to me and said, "That...is...so...cool!" He just shook his head. I asked, "Don't you get that feeling? hat feeling when the Blackhawk comes soaring over and lands? That awesome overwhelming feeling?" "No," he replied, "You are just too Army."
I am just too Army.
Another time, I was watching Blackhawk Down with some of my fellow BOLC officers. The scene where the medic is trying to clamp the severed artery? That is the type emergency medicine I want to practice. I want to be a first responder! I want that! I want to be able to make that first critical vital difference in the life of someone. I want to have to think quickly and innovatedly to save the life of my patient. I mentioned that out loud which was my mistake. "THAT is the nursing I want to do." "No you don't" One of my fellow classmates told me.
Nope. Obviously I don't. Because this officer who knew me for at the most one month can read my heart, mind and soul. Obviously, he, like so many before him, know and dictate what I should like to do in my life.
I know what I want. I know what I feel. I know what gets me going. Maybe I don't look tough enough. Maybe I don't look like I can handle stress, physically or mentally. Maybe people are afraid that I will break.
Granted, I know that people mean well. But let me do what will make me happy. Face it, trauma happens and sometimes unfortunately people die as a result. So if it happens and I know that people die regardless of everything I might do to them to save them, why prevent or discourage me from doing what I want to do? Death is not easy whether it is a person bleeding out because he was in a three car crash or a person who was blown to pieces from an IED or a person who died a slow painful death from ovarian cancer. They are different for every person and family. Yet it is death. It still hurt when my oncology patient screamed out in pain for medicine and I was unable to help him/her. It still hurt when they died after knowing them for months and caring for them and their family. How can you tell me that I will not be able to handle my trauma patient screaming out or dying? Do people think that medical/oncology or any other nursing is a "softer" form of nursing? No, it is all hard physically and mentally and emotionally. Why not let me do what I want and love?
It is hard enough to fight to get ahead of the game. It is hard enough trying to get into an ER when everyone else wants to get there too. Discouragement is not what I need.
I will become who I want to be. I will save lives. I will become a highly skilled critical care/ER/flight nurse. It will take work. It will take sacrifice. It will take time. It will take experience. I am willing and ready to do all of that. Just stick around...you'll see.
Thank you for your time. Now back to the regularly scheduled magpie blog posts.
