"King Belshazzar gave a great banquet for a thousand of his nobles and drank wine with them. While Belshazzar was drinking his wine, he gave orders to bring in the gold and silver goblets that Nebuchadnezzar his father had taken from the temple in Jerusalem, so that the king and his nobles, his wives and his concubines might drink from them. So they brought in the gold goblets that had been taken from the temple of God in Jerusalem, and the king and his nobles, his wives and his concubines drank from them. As they drank the wine, they praised the gods of gold and silver, of bronze, iron, wood and stone. Suddenly the fingers of a human hand appeared and wrote on the plaster of the wall, near the lamp stand in the royal palace. The king watched the hand as it wrote. His face turned pale and he was so frightened that his legs became weak and his knees were knocking."-Daniel 5:1-6
I was sitting on a gas station toilet (well not really sitting, that would be gross. More like squatting or hovering) when I became suddenly inspired. The human race as a whole has such an obsession with writing on things. What causes us to be so inclined to do so? I pondered this question and started thinking of all the different places people tend to "throw their piece up" or whatever the cool kids call it.
1. "Written on a Subway wall...And tenement halls."
What are tenement halls anyways?
The most typical place people write is on walls. Some people term it graffiti. Sometimes it’s names and sometimes it’s something guttural or gang related. Some of them you can't even read. This is probably the most artistic writing I have seen. The vibrant colors and odd letter shapes. Have you ever tried your hand at Graffiti? I did. It was pretty gettolishous. We had a school project on bullying. My task was coming up with an activity. I took a large piece of cardboard and made it look like a brick wall. I put "STOP BULLYING NOW" in Graffiti-like letters. It looked trashy to me but I figured that it would look cool to 4th and 5th graders. The activity was to have bullying situations on the wall and the kids came up with solutions. Anyway, that stuff is not as easy as it looks or as the graffitists make it look. It took lots of studying and a steady hand to make it come out right.
But...have you ever seen PROFESSIONAL graffiti? It's like perfect on the first shot. And you know that the person isn't standing there for five hours doing it. And how do they know how the letters fit together? Amazing. True Artists.
2. "Jenny, I got your number, I need to make you mine. Jenny, don't change your number, 8-6-7-5-3-0-9. I got it, I got it, I got it! I got your number on the wall! For a good time, for a good time call..." -Tommy Tutone "Jenny"
One place where human markings are prominent and that never seizes to amaze me is bathroom stalls. I love how people put stuff like "Magpie wasz here" as if we know who the heck you are. Or when people write:
YAY! Celebrate your love by writing your initials in a heart with the one you adore on a wall probably covered with unimaginable microorganisms in the most degrading place: public bathrooms. I mean come on people! People pee and poop in those stalls! Maybe even ON the stalls! Well, I guess nothing says "I love you, you are the one for me." like putting it up on a bathroom stall wall. Just make sure you etch it in so it doesn't get covered up with paint when the janitors decide to paint over the sharpie marks.
People write their phone numbers or others’ numbers up there. Have you ever been tempted to call the number and be like, "Hey, it said for a good time in this Soldier Field's bathroom stall to call this number. I am just sitting here pooping so I thought I'd call because I'm bored." I wonder if the numbers are fake. I should try that sometime. With my luck, I would probably get some old man who use to be an CIA agent and will trace the number back to me. Not good.
Some people write some funny stuff. In Jolly, Tx, there is a gas station and restaurant right off of 287-S. You can't miss it. There is nothing in Jolly, Tx but that. Unfortunately, I was unable to hold my pee any longer and needed to use their high class facilities. By the way, if you can manage to hold off until the next town, you might want to do that. Anyways, people started conversations on the wall.
Have you ever been so desperate to pee here you don't think about how gross it is?Reply: Sadly yes
The weirdest one was the following:
Please don't throw toothpicks in the toilet because the crabs use them to vault.
Whaaaaaaattt? Who comes up with this? Plus, do people have THAT much time sitting on a gross public gas station toilet to think that up? The biggest question...who carries a sharpie with them 24/7?
Mark Your Territory
There is an old love tradition that two love birds write their initials on a tree with a heart. Romantic or Cheesy? Is that some sign of immortalizing that love? Hmmmmm....so, what happens when the tree goes through a drought and due to extreme heat spontaneously combusts in to a burning pillar of flames? Or what happens when a housing development company decides that it wants to build some multi-family housing and cuts the tree down? Does your love dwindle? Do you fall apart? Or does your love burn as an eternal flame? *wink* Romantic or Cheesy? I think it can go either way depending on the person.
"I'll get you my pretty!!!"
Has anyone ever offended you? Has anyone ever hypothetically ripped your heart out and held it beating before your eyes? And then squeezed it as they laughed? Has anyone ever angered you to the point where you see red? Yeah? Well, what are you going to do about?
Announce to the world how that person is a complete and utter JERK! That's right folks! Write it up on a billboard! Write it on the side of a train! BETTER YET! Write on the trailer of a semi. That way the WHOLE world will see how horrible Nick or Betty or Richard or Mollie is. So who cares if there are a million other Nicks, Bettys, Richards or Mollies? Well maybe not Betty. I haven't seen that many Bettys. Anyway, at least we know they are a jerk and we can stare at them with evil eyes. YEAH!
So, in the end, look around. You're eyes will be opened to a whole new world of vandalism. Believe me, as you start thinking about it, it is pretty interesting. And you too might find humor in the words written on the wall.
Until next time,
Magpie
