So I was thinking the other day, if I had a superpower, what would it be? Would I fly? Would I lift things with superhuman strength? Would I read minds? What superpower would truly be useful for me?
I came up with turning invisible. This would be the most useful thing for me because there are so many times where I wish I were invisible. Plus how cool would it be to be the "fly on the wall" for some moments?
One place that becoming invisible would be especially useful is at the mall. When I am shopping at the mall I really don't want people to talk to me. I mean I am all ok with people asking me if I am doing ok and if I need any help. That is just doing your job. What I don't like is badgering. My mall has these booths in the middle of place. People call out to you like men looking for women. Except instead of whistles and "Hey nice butt!" (Which by the way, readers, I do not get. I think the look I shoot discourages this.), they say, "Good _____ (whatever time of day it is), can I see your nails?"
Now, if any of you know me, you will know this: I HATE nails. There are few things in this world that make me gag. One of them is nail maintenance. Pedicures are murder for me. Manicures make me want to throw up. I do them anyway once in a while for special occasions or because my nail jobs look gross. Otherwise I cut them myself. I will paint them myself (even if it looks like a three year old did it.) I never was able to cut anyone's nails. It makes me gag. I can cut my own though so everyone breathe a sigh of relief.
Now, here is this guy straight out of France. His hair pulled back into a low ponytail. He was skinnier than me and about my height and just reeked of insincere kindness. Sometimes I want to tell these people to just treat me like a human, not the princess I am. He stands there feet together with this silver platter of a nail polishing buffer thing (I do have this at home. I like it) and lotion like he is going to serve me my next course in a fancy dinner.
"Ma'm do you have natural nails?"
"Uh, yes, I think so."
"Oh may I see them?"
"No"
"Please"
"No, you don't understand, you cannot see my nails."
"What is your name?" He asked as he girlishly extended his hand to shake mine.
"Magpie" I said standing five feet away slowly making my getaway.
"Come on shake my hand."
I reluctantly shook his hand. All the while I was planning to make a bolt for it if he thought it would be clever enough to pin my hand down, flip it over and look and touch my nails. Luckily, he didn't. He released my hand and I went back to my five foot away place and turned.
THAT is when I need to be invisible. When these pseudo street merchants badger my walking around the mall. How totally awesome would it be to become invisible as I walk by them and then become visible after them? Or what about when Phillipe over there wanted to shake my hand and I go to do it and just as I reach out to touch his hand I disappear. He'd totally flip. He'd second guess talking to anyone from that point on. Yes. Yes he would.
Another good place to be invisible is at conversations where you know you will be mentioned. Or any conversation where you just want to be a fly on the wall. You know the common stuff. This would be more useful if you were a kid and you wanted to know your birthday gift. Now I would just want to know what the nurses in the ER are saying about us or what the nurses at the nurse's station are talking about when I am not there. It would kinda be like having eyes in the back of your head in a way.
I would also try to sneak into conversations where my crush was at to see if he says anything about me. OR better yet, I could have my friend talking to my crush and I am invisible sitting there (or standing that way I can scare the man if he starts talking bad about me). That would make life so easy wouldn't it? Oh yeah it would. I wouldn't be so nervous then. I'd be either more confident or just bummed. Either way, it wouldn't be as awkward as me going up to the guy and telling him that I like him or think he is cute or think he is whatever I think he is. I'd just know.
Being invisible would help in sticky situations too. For example, I am getting chewed out by one of the nurses for some hypocritical reason or by a doctor for not being a good nurse. Usually, at these points in my job I just want to find a nice quiet secluded corner to curl up into a ball and cry just from being way too overwhelmed. However, if I disappeared, the person yelling at me would totally not know what to do in a situation where their scratching post disappears. I can see it now:
"You called me three times during the night about this woman's blood pressure but you haven't taken it for three hours?"
"Doctor, I've been taking it every two hours, I just..."
"That is bad nursing. I mean, you haven't checked it in three hours."
*CUE TO DISAPPEAR*
"I mean, that is just bad.....Hello? Hello?"
Or how about in front of my charge nurse when she finds that she can't reach me on my SpectraLink:
"You never have your phone on. You answer your phone. Change you battery."
"I don't like answering it when I am talking to my patient."
"You tell them 'Wait one moment please.' Then you pick up your phone and say, 'Hello, can I help you?' And then it will not go to my phone and my phone doesn't bother my @$$."
"I will not answer my phone when I am talking to a patient. That is rude."
"You will answer....WHERE DID THAT CHILE GO????"
Sweetness. Sweetness greater than that you, dear readers, have ever tasted.
How about embarrassing situations? Like the mulitple times I walked into wrong bathrooms. Or the times I bring a guy home and my brothers swarm him like a bees swarming a half eaten discarded piece of fruit? Or when I say something stupid, or incoherent at work?
"I would have flown across this desk and slapped you." Me to some phelb.
"You are too sweet to do that. You are a nurse."
"Just wait until I get you in one of those beds." <----stupid comment on my part meant to inflict fear of pain.
"Magpie, stop talking." <-----my friend and coworker.
*CUE TO DISAPPEAR AND CONTINUE TO DISAPPEAR EVERYTIME I SEE THAT PERSON*
Anyway, I think it would be pretty sweet to disappear. Lots of useful situations and moments to utilize this superhero power. Even if I do use it selfishly. However, I do not posses this power. For now, I will have to deal with my embarrassing comments, scoldings and learn my lesson to look at the floor and not make eye contact with market barkers. Either that or close my eyes. That seems to work just as well.
TTFN,
Magpe.
Being Thankful
Happy Thanksgiving readers!
So it being thanksgiving and all I figured I'd let you all know what I am thankful for. Yeah, yeah I know, reeeeaaaallly original. Don't worry. There is never a dull moment with me. Everyone is thankful for the "normal" things in life like family, a job, money, a roof over you head. I am thankful for that too. However, I figured I should mention things that I am thankful for that really doesn't always get credit.
Ok, after this plug because I really have to say this:
1) I am extremely thankful for my family: You all are probably the most interesting people I will ever know-even when I've lived with you my whole life thus far. In times, where I just want to give up or in times where I am at my lowest (because you know we all get there at least once in your life) you have been there. I never stop laughing around you guys. Between Buckboard's witty comments, Willeo's quirky actions and Patrick's sweetness, I am never bored. Mom and Dad, you have always supported me in all my endeavors and dreams. You helped me reach my possible goals and helped redirect my impossible dreams. Without you guys, I really don't think that I would have been the success that I am today. Greg, I love you so much. I cannot wait until you are totally done with school and out of debt so that we can travel the world. With LisFlo of course. In all my moods and all my grumpy times, you guys are still ready to give me hugs. No matter how horrible I look in the morning (or pretty frequently the afternoon/evening), you boys are all ready to greet me with "Well here is sleeping beauty!" "Hey Starshine!" "Hey beautiful" "I Margie Pargs pudding and pie, kissed the boys and made them cry." I love you all so much. I truly believe that God put me with the best family in the world. I am pretty sure people are really tired of me talking about you guys all the time. Thank you for being my family.
Ok, onto the regularly scheduled thankfullness:
EDIT/Ok, I was reading over this one and had to delete the whole middle part. I just was sitting here thinking. None of these things compares to the things that I am truly deep down happy to have in my life. None of them could shine a light to it. So, sorry folks. You get a boring blog this time./END EDIT
This is actually harder than I thought. Everything I am, everything I have, everything that I am thankful stems from those basic things that I am thankful for: my family, my job, my co-workers, my home, my future, my friends. I really have a great life and I am truly thankful for that.
What are you thankful for?
Magpie
So it being thanksgiving and all I figured I'd let you all know what I am thankful for. Yeah, yeah I know, reeeeaaaallly original. Don't worry. There is never a dull moment with me. Everyone is thankful for the "normal" things in life like family, a job, money, a roof over you head. I am thankful for that too. However, I figured I should mention things that I am thankful for that really doesn't always get credit.
Ok, after this plug because I really have to say this:
1) I am extremely thankful for my family: You all are probably the most interesting people I will ever know-even when I've lived with you my whole life thus far. In times, where I just want to give up or in times where I am at my lowest (because you know we all get there at least once in your life) you have been there. I never stop laughing around you guys. Between Buckboard's witty comments, Willeo's quirky actions and Patrick's sweetness, I am never bored. Mom and Dad, you have always supported me in all my endeavors and dreams. You helped me reach my possible goals and helped redirect my impossible dreams. Without you guys, I really don't think that I would have been the success that I am today. Greg, I love you so much. I cannot wait until you are totally done with school and out of debt so that we can travel the world. With LisFlo of course. In all my moods and all my grumpy times, you guys are still ready to give me hugs. No matter how horrible I look in the morning (or pretty frequently the afternoon/evening), you boys are all ready to greet me with "Well here is sleeping beauty!" "Hey Starshine!" "Hey beautiful" "I Margie Pargs pudding and pie, kissed the boys and made them cry." I love you all so much. I truly believe that God put me with the best family in the world. I am pretty sure people are really tired of me talking about you guys all the time. Thank you for being my family.
Ok, onto the regularly scheduled thankfullness:
EDIT/Ok, I was reading over this one and had to delete the whole middle part. I just was sitting here thinking. None of these things compares to the things that I am truly deep down happy to have in my life. None of them could shine a light to it. So, sorry folks. You get a boring blog this time./END EDIT
This is actually harder than I thought. Everything I am, everything I have, everything that I am thankful stems from those basic things that I am thankful for: my family, my job, my co-workers, my home, my future, my friends. I really have a great life and I am truly thankful for that.
What are you thankful for?
Magpie
Cement Geese
I am not a fan of Geese. They poop on all my walking spots. They hiss at you like they own the place. I mean, I am not one who owns much of anything. But I don't go around shoving people off sidewalks and streets because I don't want them there. Geese do that with their nodding heads and hissy throats. They scare me. No human would ever get away with the stuff Geese pull.
But then, why is it that humans, want to make cement geese and dress them up? I will tell you why. Because they are crazy.
My grandmother lives in a condo near by. It is full of elderly people. It is a condo for seniors basically. On my grandmother's floor, someone, probably an old lady, insists on putting their stupid cement goose in the entry way to the hall. Furthermore, she (or he) dresses the thing up for holidays and seasons.
Ok I will give this Woman/Man credit. At least they have the slight decency to put a BEARS cheerleader outfit on it. GO BEARS!!!
But then, why is it that humans, want to make cement geese and dress them up? I will tell you why. Because they are crazy.
My grandmother lives in a condo near by. It is full of elderly people. It is a condo for seniors basically. On my grandmother's floor, someone, probably an old lady, insists on putting their stupid cement goose in the entry way to the hall. Furthermore, she (or he) dresses the thing up for holidays and seasons.
Plain Cement Goose
For summer, the goose had swimsuit. Not just any swimsuit but a very sexy pink bikini with black pokadots. The top part of the swimsuit was ridiculous. The goose had some serious plastic surgery done. Well just let's say that we wanted to make the female goose a male by losening the strings holding up the top. Don't worry we never did. We didn't have to. The Fourth of July made the goose a man overnight.
Goose in similar bikini outfit.
Fourth of July, Unlce Same came to visit with whiskers and all.
Uncle Sam
The best had to be Halloween. Surely, they should ban this costume. No one in their right mind would set this on their front porch and NOT expect a burning cross to be placed beside it.
The real deal. Condo Goose decked out Klu Klux style.
In the spring you can expect a "cute" colored rain coat. What about Easter? Well Transgender Goose not only changes sexes BUT species as well.
IS THAT A RABBIT NOSE ON THE FRONT??? You have got to be kidding me.
This month, Pochantos has made her debut. Complete with cute fake braids. Pochantas is Thankful
I wish I had the wardrobe this goose has. Do you know how much money these things cost? The goose is $55.00. Each outfit is about $30.00 on average according to one site I visited. So let's just say this woman/man (because the same site says that these geese are like Barbies for adults. So men can play with them too!) has an outfit for each month give or take a few. Let's say this woman/man has 16 outfits for this goose.
Goose: $55.00
Outfits: $30.00 x 16= $480
Total: $535
Then does this goose has it's own drawer or a closet for all his/her's outfits and accessories? *thinks* I wonder what the inside of this woman's condo looks like.
Well, in my opinion $535 is a lot of money for a good laugh. But, hey, if you get your kicks from dressing up a cement resemblance of a disliked feathered friend then go for it. Just don't scowl at me when I stand pointing at it and while laughing.
Ok I will give this Woman/Man credit. At least they have the slight decency to put a BEARS cheerleader outfit on it. GO BEARS!!!
Magpie
Oh what to do with the SpectraLink
At work, we have a call system that attaches to the cell phone in our pockets (or often on our desk). So when the patient presses the button to call for assistance then our phone will beep. If the patient would rather call us, they can dial the four digit extension to our phone and we will pick up (most of the time). This glorious (not) tool is called the SpectraLink *spits to the side*.
The SpectraLink is loud, obnoxious, persistent, huge, cumbersome and the list goes on. There are days that the phone is relatively quiet. And then we have those days that the thing does not shut up. Those days I begin to plan evil things to do to said SpectraLink.
1) Toilet time!
Many of the patients use commodes. This is like a portable toilet. It has a toilet seat and then a bucket underneath which the nurse or aide empties. I have often had the desire to "accidentally" dump the thing into a full bucket or urine or stool. Who would want to touch it after that? Unfortunately, my manager would have me dig it out with a glove and wipe it clean. I am not looking to dig in someone else's excrement voluntarily so I will leave that out.
However, I am sure that it will fit down the toilet! I keep mine in my back pocket and it is sooooo easy to have it fall out and into the toilet! *OOPS*! *Flush* *Overflow*
Don't try it at home.
3) Chute! I dropped my phone :saint:
So on every floor is a trash and laundry chute. It is a long way to the bottom from the top floor of the hospital. It is so easy to accidentally bag the phone in a bag of dirty linen or bag of trash and drop the phone to its ultimate death. I often wanted to ride those chutes. I imagined it a couple of times. I'd climb in. Let go of the sides and fall all the way down like a tunneled water slide. Then I hit the bottom. Everything is cushy and soft. And smelly. And poopy. And then I come back to reality as my SpectraLink rings. Thank goodness I didn't follow through on my joy ride.
4) Out the fifth story window.
None of them opened. I tried when I wanted to throw an IV pump out there. Scratch that one.
5) Oh...would you look at that...my phone "died"
There is always the old ploy of having your phone "die". That lasts for maybe .25927 seconds until someone comes to find you and tells you, "Go change your bat-ter-ie, Chile (Child). You don't answer your phone. Den it bod-ders me."
In all cases, I would probably be assigned a new phone which trumps all previous attempts at getting rid of one. AND...I'd have to pay for the one I lost/destroyed/annihilated/dismantled.
Happy Silent Nights with no Phone ringing!
Magpie.
The SpectraLink is loud, obnoxious, persistent, huge, cumbersome and the list goes on. There are days that the phone is relatively quiet. And then we have those days that the thing does not shut up. Those days I begin to plan evil things to do to said SpectraLink.
1) Toilet time!
Many of the patients use commodes. This is like a portable toilet. It has a toilet seat and then a bucket underneath which the nurse or aide empties. I have often had the desire to "accidentally" dump the thing into a full bucket or urine or stool. Who would want to touch it after that? Unfortunately, my manager would have me dig it out with a glove and wipe it clean. I am not looking to dig in someone else's excrement voluntarily so I will leave that out.
However, I am sure that it will fit down the toilet! I keep mine in my back pocket and it is sooooo easy to have it fall out and into the toilet! *OOPS*! *Flush* *Overflow*
Don't try it at home.
3) Chute! I dropped my phone :saint:
So on every floor is a trash and laundry chute. It is a long way to the bottom from the top floor of the hospital. It is so easy to accidentally bag the phone in a bag of dirty linen or bag of trash and drop the phone to its ultimate death. I often wanted to ride those chutes. I imagined it a couple of times. I'd climb in. Let go of the sides and fall all the way down like a tunneled water slide. Then I hit the bottom. Everything is cushy and soft. And smelly. And poopy. And then I come back to reality as my SpectraLink rings. Thank goodness I didn't follow through on my joy ride.
4) Out the fifth story window.
None of them opened. I tried when I wanted to throw an IV pump out there. Scratch that one.
5) Oh...would you look at that...my phone "died"
There is always the old ploy of having your phone "die". That lasts for maybe .25927 seconds until someone comes to find you and tells you, "Go change your bat-ter-ie, Chile (Child). You don't answer your phone. Den it bod-ders me."
In all cases, I would probably be assigned a new phone which trumps all previous attempts at getting rid of one. AND...I'd have to pay for the one I lost/destroyed/annihilated/dismantled.
Happy Silent Nights with no Phone ringing!
Magpie.
Over My Rainbow
Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
and wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
Away above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?
There are times when life just gets way too frustrating. There is no where to escape in these moments in reality. As I lean my forehead up against the wall and close my eyes, I escape into my somewhere over the rainbow.It is beautiful over that rainbow. There is rolling green hills with flowers. A gentle slight breeze blows over them making the silver stems glisten in the warm sun. Butterflies fly everywhere from flower to flower. There is a forest beyond the hills where cool moss grows by a bubbling creek. There are animals everywhere and they are not afraid of me. They come and go as if I am not even there. Sometimes it rains but it is gentle as it falls and it washes all my troubles and frustrations away.
I can do whatever I want there. I can run fast and far or I can roll down hills. I can just lay on the sweet warm grass and sleep in the sunlight. No one is going to tell me I should grow up or stop. No one is going to tell me that this is immature. I can cuddle and pet all the animals and they do not mind. I am at peace there.
There is no doctors telling me that I am a bad nurse. There is no one telling me that my dreams are unrealistic. No one criticizes me as me. There are no call lights going off and there is no IV pumps beeping OCCLUSION. Everything is working out. I don't have to cross hurdles or obstacles. I don't hurt. I will never hurt there. This place is perfect.
Everyone can have their escape location. Everyone has their somewhere over the rainbow. What is yours?
Magpie
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